Wednesday, September 9, 2009

September & the Holiday Season.

September is a rough month for me. There are so many significant September dates that coorespond to sad/bad memories that I find it hard to enjoy this time of year.

When I was 7 years old my dad received a work transfer. We were to move 8 hours south of our current home. I was headed into the second grade and couldn't be more excited. My mom moved my siblings and I early so I could start school on time. My dad stayed behind. September of 1988, three weeks after our move, my dad was killed in a work related accident. We moved in with my grandparents and I believe I was out of school for around a month while my mom made arrangements for us. Starting school every year from then has resurfaced memories of that time.

My mom did the best she could to make Thanksgiving & Christmas that year a happy one. My sisters and I tried to continue the tradition of a Christmas Eve family program that my dad had done with us. It just wasn't the same.

I was married on September 13, 2003. It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. The morning of my wedding was ruined when I learned of some very wrong things that had gone on the night before at the so called bachelor party. My 'To Be' showed up at the wedding breakfast hung over.

My wedding day was full of fake smiles. Why did I go through with the wedding after learning what he had done? I've asked myself that a million times. I don't know. I was young, naive, stupid, scared, intimidated, etc. My feeling now is that experiences are meant to happen and that was an experience that had to happen in order for me to grow into who I am today.

A few years later, September 27- I was about to leave for work when my now ex husband announced that he planned to stay somewhere else for a couple days. He said he wanted time to himself. I came home from work that evening to find not just a duffle bag of clothing gone, but the TV, computer, his dresser, and ALL of his things gone including every article of clothing in his closet. Enough for not only a couple of days but a lifetime.

It was three weeks before he would answer any of my phone calls or contact me. I spent that time scared and alone with only my cat and dog to comfort me. The nights were very long. I did not tell my friends or family that I was alone in the house and had no idea where my husband was. It was a very dark time.

Thanksgiving that year was spent with my family. By then I had mustered the courage to tell my immediate family about the separation but my extended family didn't realize how much pain they caused me by asking why my husband wasn't at the Thanksgiving dinner. Even at that time I did not come clean, I was humiliated and made excuses for him.

December 23- We filed for divorce at the courts. We even drove there together. It was surreal. I went to my mom's that night for my sisters birthday and spent the remainder of Christmas with them. My family did their best to provide a nice christmas for me. I slept on the floor christmas eve with my dog and cat at my feet. The next morning I cried when I saw my mom had made me a stocking last minute.

December 27- My mom, sisters, grandpa, and uncles went back to my house, packed my things and took it all to a storage unit. I moved in with a friend and my mom took in my dog and cat.

At this point, the emotional trauma was intense. I had periods of mental breakdown where I felt no will to continue with my life.

For a long time, September into the holiday season has signified grief and pain for me. However, I see a change in the tides. I now look forward to the start of school with anxiousness and I excitedly begin to decorate for the holidays.

I still miss my dad and feel pain from my divorce, but I can see that I am stronger now because of those experiences. I have become more determined, more loving, and more honest with myself. I really believe that I had to hit rock bottom before I could truly appreciate my life.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Feeling insecure

Things with the Boy have been going well. I love him a lot and I am confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so good to me and I know that he feels the same way about the relationship that I do.

Lately, however, I have been struggling with some trust issues and insecurity. I have been feeling very paranoid. It is enough to make me feel like a crazy person.

I'm paranoid about the time he spends on his computer. I feel paranoid every time he starts texting and I don't know who he's texting. I feel paranoid when he acts like he doesn't want me to look at his phone. He keeps it with him at all times like he's guarding it. I feel paranoid when I see that he's logged on to messenger and I wonder who he's talking to. I feel paranoid when he goes outside to take a phone call. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I hate feeling this way. Although I know in my heart that he is guilty of nothing but unconditional love and faithfulness to me, I still can't shake these feelings. It makes me very angry at my ex husband, because I know that his infidelity and controlling ways have affected me this deeply. And I feel very angry with myself for letting it affect me this way. I hope that I can eventually move past these things.

The hardest part so far has been not allowing myself to overreact and accuse the Boy of something. I know it's wrong to pretend that nothing is bothering me, but I don't want the Boy to grow tired of all my insecurities and give up on me. So I keep trying harder to move past them without causing any hurt between us. Sometimes I don't do a very good job at hiding my fears and it causes tension between us because I won't tell him what's wrong.

I don't know why I feel it is better for me to work on this problem myself rather than talk to him. I guess I don't think it's better, it's just too hard for me to tell the Boy how I feel.