Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Feeling insecure

Things with the Boy have been going well. I love him a lot and I am confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so good to me and I know that he feels the same way about the relationship that I do.

Lately, however, I have been struggling with some trust issues and insecurity. I have been feeling very paranoid. It is enough to make me feel like a crazy person.

I'm paranoid about the time he spends on his computer. I feel paranoid every time he starts texting and I don't know who he's texting. I feel paranoid when he acts like he doesn't want me to look at his phone. He keeps it with him at all times like he's guarding it. I feel paranoid when I see that he's logged on to messenger and I wonder who he's talking to. I feel paranoid when he goes outside to take a phone call. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I hate feeling this way. Although I know in my heart that he is guilty of nothing but unconditional love and faithfulness to me, I still can't shake these feelings. It makes me very angry at my ex husband, because I know that his infidelity and controlling ways have affected me this deeply. And I feel very angry with myself for letting it affect me this way. I hope that I can eventually move past these things.

The hardest part so far has been not allowing myself to overreact and accuse the Boy of something. I know it's wrong to pretend that nothing is bothering me, but I don't want the Boy to grow tired of all my insecurities and give up on me. So I keep trying harder to move past them without causing any hurt between us. Sometimes I don't do a very good job at hiding my fears and it causes tension between us because I won't tell him what's wrong.

I don't know why I feel it is better for me to work on this problem myself rather than talk to him. I guess I don't think it's better, it's just too hard for me to tell the Boy how I feel.