Wednesday, September 9, 2009

September & the Holiday Season.

September is a rough month for me. There are so many significant September dates that coorespond to sad/bad memories that I find it hard to enjoy this time of year.

When I was 7 years old my dad received a work transfer. We were to move 8 hours south of our current home. I was headed into the second grade and couldn't be more excited. My mom moved my siblings and I early so I could start school on time. My dad stayed behind. September of 1988, three weeks after our move, my dad was killed in a work related accident. We moved in with my grandparents and I believe I was out of school for around a month while my mom made arrangements for us. Starting school every year from then has resurfaced memories of that time.

My mom did the best she could to make Thanksgiving & Christmas that year a happy one. My sisters and I tried to continue the tradition of a Christmas Eve family program that my dad had done with us. It just wasn't the same.

I was married on September 13, 2003. It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. The morning of my wedding was ruined when I learned of some very wrong things that had gone on the night before at the so called bachelor party. My 'To Be' showed up at the wedding breakfast hung over.

My wedding day was full of fake smiles. Why did I go through with the wedding after learning what he had done? I've asked myself that a million times. I don't know. I was young, naive, stupid, scared, intimidated, etc. My feeling now is that experiences are meant to happen and that was an experience that had to happen in order for me to grow into who I am today.

A few years later, September 27- I was about to leave for work when my now ex husband announced that he planned to stay somewhere else for a couple days. He said he wanted time to himself. I came home from work that evening to find not just a duffle bag of clothing gone, but the TV, computer, his dresser, and ALL of his things gone including every article of clothing in his closet. Enough for not only a couple of days but a lifetime.

It was three weeks before he would answer any of my phone calls or contact me. I spent that time scared and alone with only my cat and dog to comfort me. The nights were very long. I did not tell my friends or family that I was alone in the house and had no idea where my husband was. It was a very dark time.

Thanksgiving that year was spent with my family. By then I had mustered the courage to tell my immediate family about the separation but my extended family didn't realize how much pain they caused me by asking why my husband wasn't at the Thanksgiving dinner. Even at that time I did not come clean, I was humiliated and made excuses for him.

December 23- We filed for divorce at the courts. We even drove there together. It was surreal. I went to my mom's that night for my sisters birthday and spent the remainder of Christmas with them. My family did their best to provide a nice christmas for me. I slept on the floor christmas eve with my dog and cat at my feet. The next morning I cried when I saw my mom had made me a stocking last minute.

December 27- My mom, sisters, grandpa, and uncles went back to my house, packed my things and took it all to a storage unit. I moved in with a friend and my mom took in my dog and cat.

At this point, the emotional trauma was intense. I had periods of mental breakdown where I felt no will to continue with my life.

For a long time, September into the holiday season has signified grief and pain for me. However, I see a change in the tides. I now look forward to the start of school with anxiousness and I excitedly begin to decorate for the holidays.

I still miss my dad and feel pain from my divorce, but I can see that I am stronger now because of those experiences. I have become more determined, more loving, and more honest with myself. I really believe that I had to hit rock bottom before I could truly appreciate my life.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Feeling insecure

Things with the Boy have been going well. I love him a lot and I am confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so good to me and I know that he feels the same way about the relationship that I do.

Lately, however, I have been struggling with some trust issues and insecurity. I have been feeling very paranoid. It is enough to make me feel like a crazy person.

I'm paranoid about the time he spends on his computer. I feel paranoid every time he starts texting and I don't know who he's texting. I feel paranoid when he acts like he doesn't want me to look at his phone. He keeps it with him at all times like he's guarding it. I feel paranoid when I see that he's logged on to messenger and I wonder who he's talking to. I feel paranoid when he goes outside to take a phone call. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I hate feeling this way. Although I know in my heart that he is guilty of nothing but unconditional love and faithfulness to me, I still can't shake these feelings. It makes me very angry at my ex husband, because I know that his infidelity and controlling ways have affected me this deeply. And I feel very angry with myself for letting it affect me this way. I hope that I can eventually move past these things.

The hardest part so far has been not allowing myself to overreact and accuse the Boy of something. I know it's wrong to pretend that nothing is bothering me, but I don't want the Boy to grow tired of all my insecurities and give up on me. So I keep trying harder to move past them without causing any hurt between us. Sometimes I don't do a very good job at hiding my fears and it causes tension between us because I won't tell him what's wrong.

I don't know why I feel it is better for me to work on this problem myself rather than talk to him. I guess I don't think it's better, it's just too hard for me to tell the Boy how I feel.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Catching up

It's been awhile since I posted and I wanted to give a recap of the latest news.

I finally got an email from Job #3. I have set up an orientation meeting to learn about the job. From there, I hope that I will start training as soon as possible. I'm a little concerned about being able to balance such a busy schedule but I'm willing to make the necessary sacrifices in order to get my life back on track.

Even thought I have been approved to have my financial aid, I have yet to see my school loan come through my bank account. When it does, I plan to use some of it to pay off my existing credit card. The balance for that card is around $550.00. I haven't been able to pay it down because the monthly fees are so high. I figure, the smart thing is to get rid of a credit card that is charging me so much in fees with my student loan. Then I will pay off the student loan which will be interest free with no fees.

I started working Job #2 last week and so far, I really enjoy it. The work seems very suited to my personality. This job is a work study job, so I will get paid a monthly wage that comes from financial aid and will not be taxed at the end of the year.

I'm worried about the amount of school work I have and how I will find time to keep up with it. I have been using the last couple of weekends to complete work that is not due until a later date. I hope that by doing things ahead of time that when I do start Job #3, I will not feel so overwhelmed. The hardest part to keep up with is the reading. I'd like to keep my evenings free of homework so that the Boy does not feel neglected or ignored. I finish classes in the early afternoon and then try to get all my work done by the time he gets home from work.

I feel that overall everything is slowly starting to come together. There are still some loose ends to tie up but hopefully it won't take long.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Relief has just flooded over me. I have been re-awarded my financial aid in it's entirety!!! It's time to start making some serious plans at this point.

I still haven't heard from Job #3 but their busy time starts in October so I'm thinking I will hear from them soon. Finally things seem to settling into place.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Mental Health/Relationships- Is this closure?

It's been quite some time since my divorce. I felt that I have moved on but there was still a nagging in the back of my mind. Something that told me I still hadn't reached the final phase of closure.

A sad circumstance last week provided events that would ultimately lead to my reconnection with my ex husband. This reconnection included a casual conversation as well as a gathering face to face where I was also able to reconnect with lost family members.

I actually got a very simple form of an apology. Can you imagine how difficult it is to believe that your spouse never cared about the pain he instilled in you or the mental damage he had caused? To believe that someone you gave yourself to in all your entirety couldn't give a shit about you is heart wrenching. To find out that it's simply pride that has kept him from showing remorse was exactly what I needed.

To see and hug family members who I thought held me responsible for the failed marriage but in fact saw no blame at all was wonderful. To be told that you were missed is all I ever wanted. I still haven't processed what this all means to me.

I'm not sure if it denotes final closure or if I'll ever experience that complete closure. But I feel a sense of inner peace that I thought I'd never feel again. I feel relieved that the ex and I can both admit our wrongs and talk as friends again without playing the blame game.

I didn't realize how much I needed that.

Counting my blessings & Weekly Goals

Alright, so my bad news from last week pretty much sucked the energy and enthusiasm out of me and I haven't felt much like posting until today.

I've realized that you can't let set backs and bad news stop you from finding a way to reach your goals. I've done all that I can to try to get things back on track and now I just have to trust that the universe will do what's best for me, even if it's not what I think I want.

I do need to take a minute to count my blessings:

1. The Boy and I have discussed what could be done if my financial aid is taken away. He has offered to help me pay the tuition so I can stay in school. I am so blessed to be in a relationship with a man who sees how important school is to me and will do anything in his power to help me attain that goal.

2. I am great health right now. Being without health insurance is scary. I'm so grateful to have not experienced any serious health issues in the past year.

3. I live in a wonderful home, rent free. I am able to garden, decorate and have a warm place to sleep every night.

4. Recently I have stumbled across some wonderful financial blogs that have offered me a lot of encouragement and advice. It helps me to stay positive when I see that other people are experiencing what I'm experiencing and coming out on top.

I won't hear back from the petition board until sometime next week, most likely. In the meantime, my goal is to keep myself calm and keep my anxiety in check. There's no sense in getting all worked up over this. I have pleaded my case and done all that I can do. It's out of my hands now. I will accept whatever happens and go on with confidence that I will find another way to make things work.

Goals for this week:

1. Spend no more than $20

2. Plan a welcome home for the Boy (he's on a business trip and will return Thursday, any ideas?)

3. Workout twice this week (this seems to be my weakest point)

4. Complete my first week of assignments at school and get ahead on my reading.

5. Pick tomatoes for salsa making

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Education/Finances- Getting crapped on

So yesterday pretty much sucked a big one. Because of some misinformation that a lady in the financial aid department gave me, there is now a problem with my credit hours. Because of this problem, they are telling me that I am no longer entitled to the financial aid that I was supposed to get for the 2009/2010 school year.

This is devastating to me. Without that money, I don't know how I will pay to attend school this year, setting my graduation date even further back. This is pretty much catastrophic in my mind. If I can't go to school this year, I know I will fall into a deep depression. It just means everything to me.

So I spent four hours yesterday bawling my eyes out and pleading my case to anyone that would listen. They ended up letting me send a petition in. The petitions board will review my case and decide whether or not they want to allow me to keep my financial aid. I won't hear back from them for up to two weeks. Class starts on Monday.

All I can think about right now is the horrible feeling I have in my stomach and it's all I can do to keep from bursting into tears every second. School is my number one goal and I worked so hard to get my GPA up, take my placement tests and work my way back in to the system. Now it could all potentially be taken away from me because of some stupid worker who gave me the wrong information.

The worst part is that I've done all I can do and now I just have to sit and wait while someone who doesn't know me or my situation decides my fate. I feel sick.